Shonen Otaku's Diary of Frank West: Night 2 Part 1

The answer cometh… Finally I am beginning to understand just what the hell is going on in this city, and I am finally starting to get the hang of rescuing other survivors through the art of killing.

I managed to kill the crazed yuppies driving around the park, first by sniping them with my new 30-bullet magazine-armed sniper rifle, then getting up close and personal with my new shotgun, and finishing off the driver with my brilliant guitar playing the only way I know how. Guitars were just made for smashing and making funny noises, and I’ll never let anyone tell me otherwise! As a reward, I helped myself to their mounted machine gun, which helped me mow down many a zombie.

Busy Otis!

But…

Even though I filled their skulls with shotgun shells, sniper bullets and guitar strings, as well as saw their limp, dead bodies in the car and checked their pulse, the next time I went outside, they were good as new, riding around in their jeep with a brand new machine gun, blaring their awful music. What the flying fu-

While dropping the morons off I got an update from Jesse and Brad. Finally, FINALLY I learned just what happened to Santa’s cabeza and what it had to do with all this.

The drug lords were using Santa’s cabeza as a stronghold for their drugs, and Dr. Barn Tree believes that the drugs created the zombies, and they spread it around the city to try and kill the doc, who was researching them.

At first I thought that someone just spread a bunch of zombie drugs around Willamette, but now I’ve figured it out.

The drug lords shoved their drugs into Santa’s ears and nose while he was sleeping to store them in his cabeza. Then they set it up so that some of the zombie-making drugs dropped out of his cabeza and into Willamettewhile he was traveling the world to deal with his toy business! And if those drugs turned Santa into a zombie that means he is the zombie Santa voiced by Gilbert Gottfreid!

Aye aye Dr. Charmy the Bee!

But if it was the drug lords that did it, and Isabela said I created the zombies, does that mean I’ma drug lord?! Have I been searching for myself all this time?! How did I lose my memories? I needed the truth. In the meantime I’ll just blame this whole thing on my WEF and leave it at that.

I left to meet Isabela around midnight, but contrary to what she promised, she did not bring Carlito. I was waiting at the meeting place, but the only thing she brought in with her was a zombie attacking her. I didn’t want no zombie! I wanted Carlito!

They both laid there on the ground while the zombie munched on her, but I didn't help. She did not bring me what I wanted. She had to pay.

Then I realized if she died, I’d never find Carlito, so I gave the zombie a bonk on the head and saved her, at least from the zombie.

In addition to the many many teeth marks she had just gotten, Isabella had a huge wound on her arm. I jokingly asked if she was bitten, but she didn’t laugh. Apparently Carlito shot her because now he doesn’t trust anyone. She insisted he didn’t mean to though. Just like how I didn’t mean to shoot that wimpy sniper kid with my H.U.G.E.

I tried pouring some of my orange juice on the wound to see if it would heal, but like with Brad, the blessed food and drinks didn’t have any effect on them, and all she did was scream and kick. It’s as if they all only work for me, but why?

I'm going to have to carry her, aren't I.

Somehow getting shot in the arm gave Isabella a horrible limp in her leg, so unless I wanted to stay up all night waiting for her, I was left with no choice but to carry her all the way back to HQ on piggy back! She weighed a ton too! What the hell does this bitch eat? Cement instead of mashed potatoes and bricks instead of brownies?!

And of course that meant I had to carry her through all the zombies, angry Scream fanboys, and the rescurrected convicts, one of whom I swear was taunting me. I also heard Carlito on the intercom telling Isabella to come back and help him. I hope I find where he sent that from so I can use it to announce that “Carlito eats shit!”

Miraculously I was able to completely avoid everything trying to kill me for almost the entire trip, because I am just too damn good. I turned the bitch over to Jesse and Brad, explained the situation and now she’s in DHS custody. I don’t think Brad really cared until I mentioned that the person who shot her was the same one who shot him.